Hard to Please

On the seventh day God rested....and on the 8th day, God started answering complaints.

A man dreamed of joining a monastery. His goal in life was to become a monk. So one day he went to a monastery and talked to the head monk and said, “I have longed to join a monastery. I know that I will need to renounce my worldly possessions and follow the order of living that this monastery requires. I am prepared to do these things. What else must I do to join?”

The head monk replied, "You might find our rules more difficult than you expect. Here in our monastery, we require a vow of silence. Our monks are only allowed to say two words every year.”

The man said, “That sounds a bit extreme; but I’ve wanted to be a monk for so long, I’m going to give it a try.” So he was shown to his room. And so for the next twelve months the man never said a word. At the end of his first year he was taken to the head monk, and was told he could now say his two words. With great feeling, the man said, “Food’s bad.” He went back to his room, and was silent for another twelve months.

At the end of his second year he again was taken to the head monk for his two words. This time his two words were, “Bed’s hard.” The head monk nodded. And the man went back to his room.

Another twelve months of silence passed, and the man was brought again to the head monk for his annual two words. This time the man said, “I quit.” The head monk nodded wisely and said, “Well, it doesn’t surprise me. All you’ve done is complain ever since you got here.”

The Tire

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time.

However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

[This story was found at: http://www.allinspiration.com/Education/Lighthearted/the_tyre.html]

Slaying Sacred Cows

There is a saying that Frederick the Great (1712-1786) lost the Battle of Jena (1806), meaning that for twenty years after his death, the army perpetuated his successful organization instead of adapting to meet the changes in the art of war.

Many rules outlive the purpose for which they were intended. What rule, policy, or way of thinking has been successful for you in the past but may be limiting you now? What sacred cow can you slay?

From Creative Whack Packs (www.creativewhack.com) Green (Judge) Card #40

Pop Quiz

A college English class was studying often-used proverbs. One day, their teacher gave them a pop quiz to see how well they were paying attention. She told her students to take out a piece of paper. She would read one half of the proverb, and they were to write the second half. Here are some of the answers the teacher received:

It’s always darkest before...Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of...termites
Don’t bite the hand that...looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll...stink in the morning
An idle mind is...the best way to relax
A penny saved is...not much
Two’s company, three’s...the Muskateers
Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded
If at first you don’t succeed...get new batteries
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose

By What Measure?

Sixty-four years ago a Philadelphia congregation watched as three nine-year-old boys were baptized and joined the church. Not long after, unable to continue with its dwindling membership, the church sold the building and disbanded.

One of those boys was Tony Campolo, who is now a well-known evangelical pastor, author and sociologist at Eastern University in Pennsylvania. Over his many years of Christian service, Tony has boldly challenged millions of people all over the world to respond to God’s boundless love by combining personal discipleship, evangelism, and social justice.

"Years later, while doing research in the archives of our denomination," Tony said, "I decided to look up the church report for the year of my baptism. There was my name, and Dick White's. He's now a missionary. Bert Newman, now a professor of theology at an African seminary, was also there.

'It has not been a good year for our church,' the report read. 'We have lost 27 members. Three joined and they were only children.'"

[submitted by Sarah Howe Miller]

All We Can Do For You Now

Elmer Bendiner, in his book The Fall of Fortresses, describes one bombing run over the German city of Kassel:

Our B-17 (The Tondelayo) was barraged by flak from Nazi antiaircraft guns. That was not unusual, but on this particular occasion our gas tanks were hit. Later, as I reflected on the miracle of a twenty-millimeter shell piercing the fuel tank without touching off an explosion, our pilot, Bohn Fawkes, told me it was not quite that simple.

On the morning following the raid, Bohn had gone down to ask our crew chief for that shell as a souvenir of unbelievable luck. The crew chief told Bohn that not just one shell but eleven had been found in the gas tanks—eleven unexploded shells where only one was sufficient to blast us out of the sky. It was as if the sea had been parted for us. Even after thirty-five years, so awesome an event leaves me shaken, especially after I heard the rest of the story from Bohn.
He was told that the shells had been sent to the armorers to be defused. The armorers told him that Intelligence had picked them up. They could not say why at the time, but Bohn eventually sought out the answer.

Apparently when the armorers opened each of those shells, they found no explosive charge. They were clean as a whistle and just as harmless. Empty? Not all of them.

One contained a carefully rolled piece of paper. On it was a scrawl in Czech. The Intelligence people scoured our base for a man who could read Czech. Eventually, they found one to decipher the note. It set us marveling. 

Translated, the note read: “This is all we can do for you now.”

Parable of the Blacksmith

Once upon a time there was a blacksmith who worked hard at his trade. The day came for him to die. The angel was sent to him, and much to the angel's surprise he refused to go. He pleaded with the angel to make his case before God, that he was the only blacksmith in the area and it was time for all his neighbors to begin their planting and sowing. He was needed. So the angel pleaded his case before God. he said that the man didn't want to appear ungrateful, and that he was glad to have a place in the kingdom, but could he put off going for a while? And he was left.

About a year or two later the angel came back again with the same message: the Lord was ready to share the fullness of the kingdom with him. Again the man had reservations and said: "A neighbor of mine is seriously ill, and it's time for the harvest. A number of us are trying to save his crops so that his family won't become destitute. Please come back later." And off the angel went again.

Well, it got to be a pattern. Every time the angel came, the blacksmith had one excuse or another. The blacksmith would just shake his head and tell the angel where he was needed and decline. Finally, the blacksmith grew very old, weary and tired. He decided it was time, and so he prayed: "God, if you'd like to send your angel again, I'd be glad to come home now." Immediately the angel appeared, as if from around the corner of the bed. The blacksmith said: "If you still want to take me home, I'm ready to live forever in the kingdom of heaven." And the angel laughed and looked at the blacksmith in delight and surprise and said: "Where do you think you've been all these years?" He was home.

(As told by Megan McKenna in her book, Parables: the Arrows of God.)

I Left My Sins at the Supermarket!

A Catholic priest, who had become very deaf in his advancing years, had formed the habit of asking those erring members of his flock who came to his enclosed stall to write their penitences on a slip of paper, instead of speaking them to him. The practice worked fairly well until one day when the father heard a heavily-breathing man enter the visitor's side of the confessional and fumble for a few moments as a small, crumpled piece of paper was passed through the curtain into the old cleric's hand.The confession read: Two cans of beans. Quarter pound ham. Cans of Coke. Four fish filets. Bread rolls. Toilet paper. Large coffee. Soap. Butter.The priest studied the note for a puzzled minute or two and then silently passed the slip back.Suddenly, there came an agonized voice from the stall beside him: "Mother of God, I've left my sins at the supermarket!"

As told by British journalist Godfrey Talbut, and referenced in Executive Newsletter 9:2 (1994), 6.

What's in a Name?

When the 1960s ended, San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury district reverted to high rent, and many hippies moved down the coast to Santa Cruz. They had children and got married, too. But they didn't name their children Melissa or Brett. People in the mountains around Santa Cruz grew accustomed to their children playing Frisbee with little Time Warp or Spring Fever. And eventually Moonbeam, Earth, Love and Precious Promise all ended up in public school. That's when the kindergarten teachers first met Fruit Stand. Every fall, according to tradition, parents bravely apply name tags to their children, kiss them good-bye and send them off to school on the bus. So it was for Fruit Stand. The teachers thought the boy's name was odd, but they tried to make the best of it. "Would you like to play with the blocks, Fruit Stand?" they offered. And later, "Fruit Stand, how about a snack?" He accepted hesitantly. By the end of the day, his name didn't seem much odder than Heather's or Sun Ray's. At dismissal time, the teachers led the children out to the buses. "Fruit Stand, do you know which one is your bus?" He didn't answer. That wasn't strange. He hadn't answered them all day. Lots of children are shy on the first day of school. It didn't matter. A teacher leaned over and lifted the child's name tag. The teachers had instructed the parents to write the names of their children's bus stops on the reverse side of their name tags. The teacher simply turned over the tag. There, neatly printed, was the word, "Anthony." [Luanne Oleas in Salinas, CA, Reader's Digest]

Forget the Duck!

Two young children were visiting their grandparents for the summer. Johnny was given his first slingshot. He practiced shooting in the woods, but he missed everything he aimed at.

As he returned to his Grandma's back yard, however, he spied her pet duck. It wasn't the only duck she kept, but it was her favorite. On an impulse, he took aim and let it fly. This time he didn't miss. His stone struck and killed the duck.

The boy panicked. He didn't mean to hurt the bird - he was even sure he would miss! But he had killed it. His panic grew to desperation and he hid the duck in the woodpile, only to look up and see his sister watching him. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing to her grandparents.

After lunch that day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes."

Sally said, "Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn't you, Johnny?" She looked straight at him and whispered, "Remember the duck!" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma said, "I'm sorry, but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally smiled and said, "That's all taken care of, Grandma. Johnny wants to do it." Again she whispered, "Remember the duck!" So Johnny stayed while Sally went fishing.

Johnny did both his chores and Sally's for several days, until, finally, he could stand it no longer. He confessed to Grandma that he'd killed the duck.

His Grandma looked at him and said, "I know, Johnny." She gave him a big hug and added, "I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. But because I love you, I forgave you. I just wondered how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Johnny's Grandmother was more ready to forgive than he was even to ask for forgiveness. We, too, are surrounded by more grace than we may realize. But a disturbing inner voice often whispers, "Remember the duck! Remember the duck!" Some people are so busy being enslaved by this inner voice that they will never allow themselves to be forgiven.

Maybe it's time to forget the duck! Forget the duck...and be free.

[Story found on Steve Goodier's Spiritual Support System website, lectionary reading for March 9, 2008)

The Message of the Cross

Two brothers, who had never agreed on much of anything, finally had a conversation about the thing they agreed on least of all:

“The message of the cross is foolishness!” said one brother. “And you, my brother, are a fool! You claim allegiance to this God who came to earth and lived among us. But what happened to him, in the end? He was crucified! On a cross! First they beat him until the blood covered him. Then they took nails and drove them into his wrists. They put him up on a cross to die a slow, humiliating death. And he died.

I ask you, what kind of God is that? What kind of God cannot even save himself from a human execution?

I’ll grant you that this Jesus of yours was an influential man in his time. Sure, he spoke like a prophet and gathered a following. But look at what happened at the end. Your precious Bible tells you that even his closest followers deserted him. Because they saw the truth of his weakness. They saw that it all ended on a cross. What kind of a God is that? And what kind of a fool are you?”

His brother replied, “You are right, my brother. I am a fool. What you say makes perfect sense, and no eloquent words from me will change that. But I know that the message of the cross is the power of God. Because I know that only an extraordinary God would allow himself to be crucified. Only a God who loved humanity so deeply would refrain from saving himself. Only a God whose power is unimaginable would allow himself to be killed in this way. You are right. It makes no sense. But that is the power of the cross. And you are wrong, so wrong, my brother, when you say that it all ended on a cross.”

Scripture, Tradition, Reason and....Experience

Here's a story of a woman named Bethany who found herself, to her great surprise, volunteering to go to Guatemala on a medical/dental mission trip with her church. Bethany believed that the Bible tells us we should help those who are in need, and she understood that there were many who greatly needed medical and dental care in the remote mountain villages of Guatemala. Her church had participated in trips to this region before, and Bethany’s heart had been touched by the stories of those who had served.

Bethany had long supported the mission trips financially and had even been involved in purchasing, sorting and packing medicines. But she had never experienced a mission trip before. Furthermore, Bethany didn’t have any medical training, so it never occurred to her to go. But one day it was announced that some new equipment had been purchased that would make it possible for non-medical volunteers to test vision and distribute standard eyeglasses according to the prescription determined by the equipment. Bethany felt moved to attend the training for the vision equipment, and before she knew it, she was on a bus leaving Guatemala City.

To say that Bethany immersed herself in the experience would be an understatement. Although she had always supported the missions of the church financially, she had never before been in such direct contact with such great humanitarian need. Her emotions at being among the people of the Guatemalan village overwhelmed her. On her second day, Bethany tested the vision of an older woman. Finding her to be extremely nearsighted, Bethany fitted her with glasses. As the woman put the glasses on, a group of young children came running toward her. The woman looked into their excited faces, then turned to Bethany. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she said to the interpreter: “I can see them! I can see their faces! Thank you. You have helped me see my grandchildren for the first time!”